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Murrrrhdeur MOST horrid |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8792, posted by [mentat] at 13:00, 27/3/2002 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Prizes to those who come up with the most imaginative and unpleasant methods to get rid of my boss. Specific details available on request. |
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mfrissen |
Message #8793, posted at 13:12, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8792 |
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Cut his head off, put it in the microwave, wait until it goes PING and shove the remains up his a**e.. (quote from filthy rich and catflap) |
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monkeyson |
Message #8794, posted at 13:23, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8793 |
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Buy her a RiscStation portable and press her face against it till she burns.
[Edited by monkeyson at 13:28, 27/3/2002] |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8795, posted by [mentat] at 13:26, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8794 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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I like these so far, but you can all do much better! BTW. It's a she. Or an it. But not a he. |
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monkeyson |
Message #8796, posted at 13:32, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8792 |
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Specific details available on request. I request specific details to be made available. Mainly, why? |
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andrew |
Message #8797, posted at 13:37, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8792 |
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Buy a one-way ticket to Swindon or ask her out on a date.
[Edited by andrew at 13:37, 27/3/2002] |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8798, posted by [mentat] at 14:52, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8797 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Buy a one-way ticket to Swindon or ask her out on a date. What am I supposed to do with this ticket? |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8799, posted by [mentat] at 14:53, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8796 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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I request specific details to be made available. Mainly, why?
She makes my life, and those of others in this office, hell. It's bad... |
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andrew |
Message #8802, posted at 15:16, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8801 |
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Bake her a cake and offer to be her slave for a day or a week at a push. |
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monkeyson |
Message #8803, posted at 15:18, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8802 |
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Tell her to join TIB and read this thread. Oh, no, wait. Then it will be you who'll be murdered. |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8804, posted by [mentat] at 15:18, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8802 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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You're really not helping. Unless the cake was laced with stricnine. |
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monkeyson |
Message #8805, posted at 15:20, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8804 |
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If you get a huge log, hollow it out, get her to crawl inside and fall asleep, then seal up the edges and get two men to come along and load it on to a lorry and drive it away, then man, I don't know what to say. |
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andrew |
Message #8806, posted at 15:23, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8804 |
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Wash her cup everyday for a year and be on demand to put sugar cubes in it. |
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andrew |
Message #8807, posted at 15:25, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8798 |
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Buy a one-way ticket to Swindon or ask her out on a date. What am I supposed to do with this ticket?
Give it to her! |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8808, posted by [mentat] at 15:27, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8807 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Buy a one-way ticket to Swindon or ask her out on a date. What am I supposed to do with this ticket?
Give it to her! How do I persuade her to use it? |
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monkeyson |
Message #8809, posted at 15:38, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8808 |
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Nick her car and leave it in Swindon Train Station's car park. |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8810, posted by [mentat] at 15:46, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8809 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Like yer thinkin'! Still doesn't ensure death though... |
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monkeyson |
Message #8811, posted at 16:20, 27/3/2002, in reply to message #8810 |
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It's a fairly strong possibility on British trains.... |
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andrew |
Message #8818, posted at 09:38, 28/3/2002, in reply to message #8817 |
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Try telling him about your cat's breath and he'll turn really funny with you. |
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moss |
Message #8822, posted at 15:32, 5/4/2002, in reply to message #8821 |
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Give her an STD. |
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moss |
Message #8824, posted at 16:01, 5/4/2002, in reply to message #8823 |
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Just smear stuff on her chair... |
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moss |
Message #8826, posted at 16:55, 5/4/2002, in reply to message #8825 |
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Hold on a minute... TONY! TONY BLAIR! COME HERE A MINUTE!! I NEED YOU A SEC... More political satire. I'm great. |
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monkeyson |
Message #8817, posted at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8816 |
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Who'd have thought that anyone with a name like phlamethrower would have thought of all that? |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8825, posted by [mentat] at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8824 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Can I borrow some then please? |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8823, posted by [mentat] at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8822 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Ewwwwwwww! NO! NO!NO!NO! |
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andrew |
Message #8821, posted at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8819 |
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You'd need Hannibal and BA for this remember |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8820, posted by [mentat] at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8819 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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Thanks guys. Shame she's off sick today...! MuahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! |
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Nerik |
Message #8819, posted at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8818 |
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Get the following components/ingredients: 1) Some stout metal pipe 2) heavy duty plug (fits firmly in end of pipe) 3) Some fireworks, or any other source of black powder 4) Some sodium (pure) or potassium 5) Wadding 6) Match or other ignition source Mould 4) into small balls, ~2-4mm diameter. Plug 1 end of pipe with 2). drill small hole in plug fill pipe with contents of 3) making sure some fills the hole. top up with balls of 4) add 5) to keep everything in place aim at boss apply 6) to hole in 2) Of course, you may want to do the last step by remote |
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I don't have tourettes you're just a cun |
Message #8801, posted by [mentat] at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8800 |
Fear is the mind-killer
Posts: 6266
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You want me to imagine her to death... great. Look, I'm in a bad mood and I need gratuitous violence, death, destruction, and dastardly deeds... |
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Phlamethrower |
Message #8816, posted at 14:58, 15/6/2002, in reply to message #8815 |
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*flexes fingers* I'm the master of diabolical destruction Let's see... female boss, murder of... 1. If you have some kind of board-meeting (Probably bored-meeting) thing where at some point she writes on a whiteboard, then you do the following: A) Fill the board marker with explosives B) Apply a large static charge to the whiteboard Thus, when the said boss touches the board with the pen, a spark will ignite the explosives and remove most of the room 2. If you happen to know anyone entering Robot Wars (Or who happens to have a killer robot on their garage), do the following: A) Fit a TV camera to the robot B) Park an unmarked van outside the office C) Go on a killing spree, controling the robot from the van A bullet-proof robot is likely to be best, with your own choice of weapons ranging from flamethrowers to hydrolic pincers. You could even mount a couple of nailguns to ward off the police. 3. If you happen to live near some scientific research place, then do the following: A) Break in and steal a linear particle accelerator and a fusion reactor. Whether they work perfectly doesn't really matter, but they must be quite small (i.e. large enough to get out of the door) B) Fix them together as follows: /-\------- |*O \-/------- ^^ ^ || Particle accelerator |Opening Fusion reactor
Such that a ball of plasma can be built up inside the fusion reactor. You would then turn on the particle accelerator, and the plasma will be accelerated (Through what is essentially a rail gun), to near the speed of light. Anyone with any knowledge of physics will know that railguns and superheated plasma are very dangerous, so if you combine the two.... C) You have yourself a plasma cannon D) Somehow get it to the office (Probably have it mounted in a big lorry due to the power requirements), aim it in the general direction of the boss, and fire. 4. Already mentioned as a way of disposing of Microsoft, pump high explosives into the sewers. 5. Make her a nice mug of acid. 6. Make a large tube, which is opened at one end. At the end with the opening, there should be rows of poisonous spikes, which are hinged so that they can open/close to pierce whatever is in the way. You also attach a trigger near the end of the tube, so that once someones arm is inside the tube they must continously squeeze the trigger to stop the lethal injection. Fitting two of these and finding how long she lasts should be quite gratifying 7. Build your own sentry gun: A) Get a machine gun mounted on a tripod B) Attach a couple of motors C) Stick an infrared camera on top D) Write the control software so that any moving heat source will get shot (Powered by a RISC OS computer, of course) E) Sit it inside her office. Offices with glass walls or some other way of seeing in would be best. Gee, what's that gun doing in there mounted on a tripod? *opens door* *RATATATATATATAT* 8. Rip up the floor in the office, and lay a load of bear traps. Then cover the floor with some thin floor substitute, so that it is flexible enough to trigger the bear traps and for the bear traps to close on your boss's foot. 9. DIY flamethrower: A) Get a super soaker (Big compressed air powered water pistol) B) Build a replacement nozzle with using metal pipe, complete with safety valve and lighter holder C) Fill the water tank with lighter fluid, or some other suitably flammable liquid D) Put it all in a rather smart breifcase E) Calmly walk into work and enter your bos's office. F) Open the briefcase and take out the water pistol (The boss should now be curious) G) Unscrew the plastic nozzle and replace with your flamethrower one (Boss should now be slightly suspicious) H) Take out a lighter, light it, and stick it in the holder (Boss should now be rather worried. Make sure you block off the door to stop escape) I) Pump some air into it a few times, and watch the boss squirm J) Take aim and let loose the flames 10. Knock her unconsious, and take her to the island in The Prisoner. Keep her captive there for as long as you like. (Of course, you'll have to build the island first). Obviously some of those are a few more practical then others, especially if you don't hold a grudge against any of your other workmates. |
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